Sunday, January 5, 2014

To my dear young ciku, let me tell you why am I so negative…in dealing or seeing encounter something.
If you want to achieve a major goal, conventional wisdom says to think positive. Picture yourself delivering the perfect presentation, and absorb the energy of the audience. Envision the ideal job interview, and imagine yourself on cloud nine when you get the offer. Although these strategies sound compelling, it turns out that they often backfire. Many of us are more successful when we focus on the reasons that we’re likely to fail- do u understand young fellow!?
In a series of clever studies, psychologists compared strategic optimists and defensive pessimists. If you’re a strategic optimist, you envision the best possible outcome and then eagerly plan to make it happen. If you’re a defensive pessimist, even if you’ve been successful in the past, you know this time could be different. You start picturing all the things that could go wrong. What if I spill coffee on the interviewer? What if I accidentally deliver the presentation in a foreign language? What if I forget my own name?
Most people assume that strategic optimists outperform defensive pessimists, because they benefit from confidence and high expectations. Defensive pessimists were more anxious and set lower expectations for themselves in analytical, verbal, and creative tasks. Yet they didn’t perform any worse – like me.. We used to tell you that “we walked on bridges more than the distance you walked on tar road” & “we ate more salt then the amount of rice you eat”.( that’s why we have high blood pressure! kahakaha)
At first, I asked how these people were able to do so well despite their pessimism, Before long, I began to realize that they were doing so well because of their pessimism… negative thinking transformed anxiety into action. By imagining the worst-case scenario, defensive pessimists motivate themselves to prepare more and try harder.
Strategic optimists and defensive pessimists succeed under different circumstances. If you’re a defensive pessimist, or you’re attempting to motivate one, the strategies that prove effective are often the reverse of what you expect.

the weirdest relationships ever…kahakaha

In life, don’t expect anything from anyone.
Because expectation, when not fulfilled, gives you pain.
When you get something without expecting it,
It gives you pleasure.
Keep doing your part
And leave the rest to UFO
Friends are people you choose.
They can feel even more intimate than with other relationships, because our best friends know all our character (good & bad) and still hang on us. They don’t need us to be anything for them but ourselves. They believe in us, cheer us on, support us and truly acting in friendlier term with us; those are the good ones.
I have some good ones—which have been in my life over 40 years. I’m blessed to have them—I only wish they didn’t live an hour away.
I’ve had many friendships through the years, all kinds: I’ve had party friends, needy friends, spiritual friends, gossip friends, negative friends, snobby friends, distant friends, quiet friends, wild friends, co-dependent friends, “black” as well as “white” and many more.
I’ve been a good friend and I’ve been a shitty friend. Sometimes I gave more or sometimes I took more, but it was nothing in the eyes of friendship cos they know I am not a bully.
I’ve also had friendships that were out of convenience and really were acquaintances, I just didn’t realize it at the time.

Friendships can be based on many things, some of which are positive, some negative. Sometimes circumstances change, you change jobs or move. Maybe your kids aren’t friends with each other anymore and your friendship fades away too.

My problem was I often held on for dear life to a connection that was no longer there. So plain & naive of myself. I just wonder why when we (a group of us) were together, we  shared ( after a while, I knew we, as a group cooperation we didn’t get what was supposed to get to share- something and a lot more are not surfaced to share) My weakness being trusting too much on a particular mental ( sharing sense)
I’d try to get together with someone and he/she/they would have excuses about why he/she/they couldn’t get together. One person doesn’t make a friendship and you certainly cannot guilt someone into being friends. It didn’t matter why they didn’t want the friendship anymore, it hurt a little- as the saying, this is a free world ma!
Any rejection sucks, especially if you care about the person and cherish the times you had together.
Maybe i didn’t like everything about them, but I’m not looking for a perfect person. You may know that people come into your life and fade out, but there’s always a broken friendship that feels like a difficult break-up.
I was talking about this topic to a dear friend of mine who I met last year—how awkward it can be when there was no event that precipitates this friendship to be distanced. This can be to a lesser degree when an acquaintance avoids you and you wonder what the hell happened.
Did I say something to offend them? Did they hear some rumour about me? Why don’t they like me anymore?
I wonder which would be more uncomfortable: to know the reasons why or that empty space of wondering.( Not that I think many would have the balls to tell you what the deal is.) Maybe sometimes they don’t even know.

What I have learned on an energy level is that friends are a match.

When you change or they change, sometimes you don’t match anymore. Whether interests change, personalities change or something else, on some energy level things shift. It still stinks, but it’s easier to not take it personally to see this. I know there are many reasons why friendships break up: they are jealous of something, you make a choice they don’t like, you were being a pain in the a#@. Or maybe they think u are better than them, more qualified –oh ya  soon I will be a MBA holder! Mind you., happier than them...Are these people making use of us (our services, our jokes…) a “ touch N go”  kind of thing??
Whatever it is, true friendship can withstand the ups and downs of life.

And sometimes these beasties break-ups, big or small, teach us something about ourselves. It’s different for everyone, but you can ask yourself things like: Was I a good friend? Was I true to me? Was I a negative person to be around? Why is this bothering me so much? Do I feel like I did something wrong? Do I feel like I am not good enough in some way? It can bring up a whole lot of issues, old feelings and strong energy (anger, resentment, blame, sadness, doubt, guilt, shame, regret, jealousy, fear, etc.) that comes up to heal.
There is some gem that you will get out of any situation that challenges you.
Ultimately, you have to be your own best friend. There is no such thing as the perfect, ideal picture of a friend because people expect different things. Sometimes we may be the one that needs to distance themselves from a toxic individual—you really have to honour what is right for you, just like others have to do what’s right for them.

Once the initial pain of a friend breaking up with you is over, when you can see more clearly, then you can heal.

Forgive them on a higher level to free yourself and allow another beautiful friendship to fill that space. Picture a version of yourself that’s angelic—your higher self—and then picture theirs. On that level, in your mind, tell them, “I forgive you. I wish you all the best. I like you.” This provides a form of closure.
You can’t expect a formal closure like a break-up with a lover; with a friend break-up you, don’t get your answers. If you still can’t get past the “stuck” hurt feelings, write them a FB notes that shares all of your feelings before doing the higher self exercise. Then click it, releasing it to the Universe, to be done with it once and for all, your healing supported by the Universe.

Once you do these exercises, don’t keep talking about the person or the friendship that no longer is. Move on. Take the high road. It’s healthier for you. Get past the right or wrong and focus on things that make you feel good and not bad.

Hopefully there won’t be a next time, but if there is, maybe you’ll notice an energy shift in your relationship where you feel that things are changing and you can talk about it. You can share your feelings and maybe even have a fuller, richer, deeper, more fulfilling friendship, past all the superficial stuff.
Don’t close your heart if you are hurt or feel betrayed- which I never did but just got  a lot to ponder here, it’s so worth it to stay open to the possibility of an awesome new friend- like u!