Monday, August 13, 2012

Italian Pregnancy




An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit
.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I
will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,

a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.

If twins,
they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage,
what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

"Youa gonna
try again!"


Adult Jokes



JOKES FOR all seasons
A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.
She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."
 
 
 
Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out".
Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: "What are you doing?"
Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the bastard!"


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days
& if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!
 
 

A lady visited her doctor again. The Dr. said: You
look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!
 

Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!
 
 
 
A nun went for a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She cried and said, "Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!"

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked " Do yo have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, "My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"



Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION".
Class Teacher: " Why not?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be
ORAL!"


What is the STRONGEST muscle?
TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!.
The lightest muscle?
PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!



Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: "Name?"


"Park Yu."
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: "FUCK YOU! Now
what's your full name?"
Korean replied: "PARK YU TOO!!"


Man to wife: Business is bad, if you learn how to cook we can remove servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If you learn how to fuck, we can remove
driver, gardener & watchman..


COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and
leave us waiting OUTSIDE!


A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?
Mama dog's reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind
& I didn't have chance to see his face!"







Sunday, August 12, 2012

What is Happiness?


What is Happiness?

One on the most convincing pieces on happiness. 
An article by Khushwant Singh from 2009 in the Telegraph.  It catches the essence of life & living it to fullest ! 


Having lived a reasonably contented life, I was musing over what a person should strive for to achieve happiness. I drew up a list of a few essentials which I put forward for the readers’ appraisal.
1. First and foremost is good health. If you do not enjoy good health you can never be happy. Any ailment, however trivial, will deduct from your happiness.
2. Second, a healthy bank balance. It need not run into billions but should be enough to provide for creature comforts and something to spare for recreation, like eating out, going to the pictures, traveling or going on holidays on the hills or by the sea. Shortage of money can be only demoralizing. Living on credit or borrowing is demeaning and lowers one in one’s own eyes. 
3. Third, a home of your own. Rented premises can never give you the snug feeling of a nest which is yours for keeps that a home provides: if it has a garden space, all the better. Plant your own trees and flowers, see them grow and blossom, cultivate a sense of kinship with them.
4. Fourth, an understanding companion, be it your spouse or a friend. If there are too many misunderstandings, they will rob you of your peace of mind. It is better to be divorced than to bicker all the time. 
5. Fifth, lack of envy towards those who have done better than you in life — risen higher, made more money, or earned more fame. Envy can be very corroding; avoid comparing yourself with others.
6. Sixth, do not allow other people to descend on you for gup-shup. By the time you get rid of them, you will feel exhausted and poisoned by their gossip-mongering.
 7. Seventh, cultivate some hobbies which can bring you a sense of fulfilment, such as gardening, reading, writing, painting, playing or listening to music. Going to clubs or parties to get free drinks or to meet celebrities is criminal waste of time.
8. Eighth, every morning and evening, devote 15 minutes tointrospection反省. In the morning, 10 minutes should be spent on stilling the mind and then five in listing things you have to do that day. In the evening, five minutes to still the mind again, and ten to go over what you had undertaken to do.


Also a relevant quote, which could well have been said by Khushwant Singh, but there wasn’t a proper source proving it, but anyway :

RICHNESS is not Earning More, Spending More Or Saving More, but … 
“RICHNESS IS WHEN YOU NEED NO MORE”

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

WWW @ jpj

Wowh huh!
JPJ untung juta juta...tapi sekarang orang orang kenamaan "surfer", www1 hingga www30...dah lah untung juta juta ,Tolonglah mereka jawab jawab sikit misal..."duit duit yg kita perolehi drp tender nombor www ini adalah semata-mata dak disalurkan kpd rakyat miskin di rata rata negari ini.Iaitu dari Johor ke Perlis,dari Kelantan balik ke   Johor dan dari Sabah ke Sarawak.
"Ya Tuan2 & Puan2 tujuan kami bukan semata mata nak dapat keuntungan besar begitu;duit banyak itu memang akan diagih rata sesama rakyat...kita amat berterima kasih jutaan banyak kpd pemilik www1 hingga www30 dan seterusnya....terima kasih tak terhingga....terima kasih ke atas sumbangan CSR ,demi CSR tersebut yg memboleh kita melaksanakan kerja kerja amal nati...Terima Kasih! ( u must shout -sound like Alleycat)

Saturday, April 28, 2012

LIfe

Heavy rains remind us of challenges in life. Never ask for a lighter rain. Just pray for a better umbrella. - That is attitude.







When flood comes, fish eat ants and when flood recedes, ants eat fish. - Only time matters. Just hold on, God gives opportunity to everyone!






Life is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship, it's not how we care in the beginning, but how much we care till the very end.






Some people always throw stones in your path. It depends on what you make with them. A Wall or a Bridge? - Remember you are the architect of your life.






Search for a beautiful heart, but don't search for a beautiful face, because beautiful things are not always good, but good things are always beautiful.






It’s not important to hold all the good cards in life. But it’s important how well you play with the cards you hold.






Often when we lose all hope & think this is the end, God smiles from above and says, 'relax dear it’s just a bend, not the end.' - Have faith and have a successful life.






One of the basic differences between God and humans is, God gives, gives and forgives. But the human gets, gets, gets and forgets.






Be thankful and grateful for everything in life....

Monday, March 26, 2012

Some Management Jokes

Twenty New Management Styles in Corporates

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES

These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW

These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S

Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY

These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING

These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING

These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION

Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS

These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS

In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS

If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING

Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS

Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM

This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS

This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)

This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS

These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION

If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING

These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES

If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Excellent Secrets of being Successful in Office...

Book on "understanding women"

I have seen this book, thought you might like to see it again!

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores: