For Those who can't Afford Porn, it's Better to put Women's Tennis on TV, close your eyes and only hear it!

 

Some Management Jokes

Twenty New Management Styles in Corporates

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES

These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW

These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S

Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY

These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING

These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING

These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION

Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS

These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS

In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS

If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING

Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS

Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM

This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS

This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE

In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS)

This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS

These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION

If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING

These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES

If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember

Biology Class

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote.......

.........! 7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

Note: He got an A.

Seeded By Others

80 year old man : My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The lion drops dead!

Old man : That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.

Doctor : MY POINT EXACTLY!

Tiger Guard

When i first saw it from a distance; I was shocked to see a tiger there!!

The TIGER was chained and a ESSO badge was on its neck...pretty cool Right!?

Put this on THE STAR and you could get RM 50.00

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?' 'Well,' said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate question from someone whose dick is on his face.'

Two Old Ladies

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Best Quote

Best Quote

I think that this must be one of the few honest and best quotes of the decade.

Judge Judy to prostitute: "So when did you realize you had been raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."

The Sucker

A little old Jewish man was walking down the street one afternoon, when he saw a woman with perfect breasts.

He said to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replied, and kept walking away.

He turned around, ran around the block and got to the corner before she did. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asked again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man ran around the next block and faced her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"

She thought about it for a while and said, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars....; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they went into the alley, where she took off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he saw them, he grabbed them and started caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally got annoyed and asked, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah," said the little old Jewish man ... "Costs too much!"

Ghost SEX

> A professor at the University of Malaya was giving a lecture on > the supernatural.

> > > To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here > believe in ghosts?'

> > > About 90 students raise their hands.

> > > 'Well, that's a good start.. Out of those of you who believe in > ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

> > > About 40 students raise their hands.

> > > 'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has > anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

> > > About 15 students raise their hand.

> > > 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

> > > 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have > any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

> > > Way in the back, Abu raises his hand.

> > > The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years > I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have > made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about > your experience.'

> > > The big plump kampong boy replied with a nod and a grin, and began > to make his way up to the front podium.

> > > When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Abu, > tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

> > > > > Abu replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said GOATS

Joke

Learning Medicine in class

At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines.

Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils> > what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'

> > > > 'Very good! And what is it used for?'

> > > > 'It is used for a headache.'

> > > > The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'

> > > > 'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'

> > > > 'To help you sleep', replied the student.

> > > > Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'

> > > > 'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the

> > surprised Sister Catherine. 'It is used for diarrhea.'

> > > > 'And who told you this, Johnny?'

> > > > 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father

> > 'take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder.''

> > > > > > Sister Catherine fainted.

Ha ha

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:Guitar, for sale....Cheap.......no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,There Is A Surprised Woman.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The UniverseIs The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

GLOBALIZATION

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

> > Answer: Princess Diana's death.> >

Question: How come?> >

Answer: An English princess with an> >

Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a> >

French tunnel, driving a> >

German car with a> >

Dutch engine, driven by a> >

Belgian who was drunk on> >

Scottish whisky: followed closely by> >

Italian Paparazzis on> >

Japanese motorcycles; treated by an> >

American doctor, using> >

Brazilian medicines.> >

And moreover this is sent to you by an> >

Indian, using> > American> > (Bill Gates's) technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, using> >

Taiwanese chips, and a> > Korean monitor, assembled by> >

Bangladeshi workers in a> > Singapore plant, transported by> >

Pakistan lorry-drivers, hijacked by> > Indonesians, unloaded by> >

Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by> >

Mexican illegals..... This is> > "" Globalization ""

The BEST Adult JOKES

The best adult jokes contest 2009 through cellphone texts/smses in U.S.A.

Grand Prize USD50,000.00

(1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin.

Mom asked "How do you know dear?"

Girl replied "Last night, when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."

First Prize USD25,000.00

(2) Immigrant Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick."

Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it."

2 hours later>>Immigrant Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

10 Consolation Prize USD10,000.00 each

(3) After sex, a newly wed wife kept fondling her husband's cock.

Husband asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?"

Wife replied: "No dear, I just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning, wash clothes.

Noon, hang clothes.

Evening, keep clothes.

Nite, iron clothes.

Midnight, take off clothes. After midnight, find clothes.

(5) Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:

"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.

"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.

"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

(6) A woman's husband died and she had him cremated.

She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said, "Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

(7) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?"

Mom: "When you become a good girl, you will get one."

Girl: "But mom, what if I am not a good girl?"

Mom: "Then you will get many, dear!"

(8) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary:

"If I give you USD3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra, Panties, Everything."

(9) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."

Teacher: "Why?"

Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(10) Two sperms talking on mobile phone.

Ist: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close-by?"

2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

(11) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a penis. This is because it can be lifted up even by just a simple thought

MY GOD...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, ' My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father ' ' .

The second Catholic man chirps, ' My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ' Your Grace ' ' .

The third Catholic gent says, ' My son is a> cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ' Your Eminence ' ' .

The fourth Catholic man chirps, ' My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ' Your> Holiness ' ' .

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, ' Well...? ' She replies, ' I have a daughter. She is FAT, tall and 46-57-63.. When she walks into a room, people say, ' Oh My God !..... ' '

Politician

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husbandhad developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that itwas such a good idea."Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do" she said.''Does it hurt you", he asked?"No. I rather like it!"''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that youshouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as youtake care not to get pregnant.

"The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Do U need a Raise?

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.I work in high temperatures.My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straightYou fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing thecorrect protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,V. Gina

Something to do with man's drinking....

The above poster was introduced around 1919 (just before prohibition�started) and.................................

No wonder MEN kept drinking.

MAN lah!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer' s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

AsSHoLe

A prominent woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex. And she was not sure if it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, 'Well do you enjoy it?' 'Actually, yes, I do in fact.' 'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 'No. I do like it.' 'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason why you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think all our present politicians came from?